My Strength

I awoke as the sky was brightening. It only took a few moments for the reality of what faced me today to resurface at the top of my sleepy brain.

I moved closer to the other body in the bed. My head on his shoulder. His arm cradling me. My hand clasping his. Legs intertwined. I needed to be close. And I wept.

Today is a day I didn’t want to believe was happening. A day I wasn’t ready to see come. A day I didn’t want to experience. And yet here it was. I was living it. It had begun. And the weight of it all felt crushing. It felt impossible.

One long day. The last of the packing. The last and the most painful goodbyes. The completely empty shell of a house that I don’t recognize as the place where our family made our home for so many years. The red-eye flight out of this dear country. The finality of this incredible life-change that we didn’t know would come until nine days ago.

I laid there in early morning light, tears streaming down my face onto my husband’s chest. And in that moment I was overwhelmed with the strength I find in him… my husband of eight and a half years. He has been a picture of Jesus to me through this painful nine day journey. He is full of grace for me and full of patience. He understands what I’m going through. He has been serving me and loving me and giving me whatever I have needed. He holds me when I cry and he has never judged. A word of complaint hasn’t come out of his mouth. Instead he’s encouraged me. He’s been watching out for me and caring for me and this baby I carry. He works so very hard. He tells me I am strong and that I’m doing great. He has peace that carries over. He tells me we have each other, no matter what.

He is my God-designed strength. And I love him so. We don’t really know what our future holds and part of me doesn’t care… I am just so thankful that he’ll be by my side.

The day has mostly passed now. The weight remains but the hours are dwindling. Soon we will find ourselves on an airplane, saying goodbye to the country we have loved and hated. The country we have fought to live in. The country where we have poured out our blood, sweat and tears. The country where our children grew up. The country where we made many mistakes and learned so much. The country that has made us who we are. The country that has truly become our home.

The country that will always, always have a piece of our hearts… goodbye.