I See You

Peek-a-boo

Let It Snow...

A girl can dream...

I'm currently listening to 'Becoming' by Michelle Obama. I wouldn't normally choose this kind of book, but when someone I have similar values with recommends something... I trust them.

And I can't stop listening to her story. I'm learning so much.

And truthfully, I see so many similarities in Barack, and Mike. The drive, the dreams, the desires and so much more.

But when she started talking about how Barack used the phrases "almost home" and "on my way"...I had to rewind and write it down. IT IS JUST TOO SIMILAR.

I can't tell you how many times Mike and I have argued about the ACTUAL meaning of those two phrases! We have a different definition, just as Michelle and Barack have...

"If Barack's disregard for punctuality had once been something that I gently teased him about, it was now a straight up aggravation. I knew that Thursdays made him happy. I'd hear his excitement when he called to report that he was done with work and finally headed home. I understood it was nothing but good intentions that would lead him to say 'I'm on my way' or 'Almost home'. And for awhile, I believed those words. I'd give the girls their nightly bath but delay bedtime so they could wait up to give their Dad a hug. Or I'd feed them dinner and put them to bed but hold off on eating myself, lighting a few candles and looking forward to sharing a meal with Barack. And then I'd wait. I'd wait so long that Sasha's and Malia's eyelids would start to droop and I'd have to carry them to bed. Or I'd wait alone, hungry and increasingly bitter as my own eyes got heavy and candle-wax pooled on the table. 'On my way' I was learning, was the product of Barack's eternal optimist, an indication of his eagerness to be home but that did nothing to signify when he would actually arrive. 'Almost home' was not a geo-locator but rather a state of mind. Sometimes he was on his way home but needed to stop in to have one last 45 minute conversation with a colleague before he got into the car. Other times he was almost home but forgot to mention that he was first going to fit in a quick work out at the gym. In our life before children, such frustrations might have seemed petty. But as a working full-time mother with a half-time spouse and a pre-dawn wake up time I felt my patience slipping away until finally at some point it just fell off a cliff. When Barack made it home he'd either find me raging or unavailable, having flipped off every light in the house and gone sullenly to sleep."

"We live by the paradigms we know. In Barack's childhood, his father disappeared and his mother came and went. She was devoted to him but never tethered to him. And as far as he was concerned, there was nothing wrong in this approach. He'd had hills, beaches and his own mind to keep him company. Independence mattered in Barack's world. It always had and always would. I, meanwhile, had been raised inside the tight weave of my own family in our boxed in apartment and our boxed in South side neighborhood with my grandparents and aunts and uncles all around."

Now I've never waited hours and hours like Michelle did. Likely because I could call him for updates, or check his location on the GPS. But hearing her experience is so interesting. And I can also relate to her two responses... raging or unavailable.

I love how she puts into words that Barack's use of these phrases came from his 'eternal optimism'. Yes! That's it exactly! Mike has the same inside of him. I've know that for years. That quality shows in many areas of his life. I get that. And I appreciate that. I've just never before made the connection to those phrases, and his 'state-of-mind' and his desire to be home, even if he isn't quite yet.

Independence is also of great importance to Mike. Even as a child, I believe. I have identified this in his life and our marriage. So interesting to hear another woman's experiences with a man of these qualities.

I love him so.

Off They Go!

It’s take-your-daughter-to-work week, did you know? Not really. But it is in this family. And they are off to Uganda. After this photo was taken, half of us were in tears (the female half). Saying goodbye to Daddy is one thing, but we don’t often have to say goodbye to our Sweet N. Waaahhhh... I love my girl and we will really really miss her at home.

Achieve

The world says it.

In many different ways.

ACHIEVE.

Especially in a new year. With all the resolutions and goals and vision boarding and etc etc etc.

And I'm just not sure what I think about it.

Well, I kinda know what I think about it.

And that is that I don't think achieving things is the point. Achieving things is not the goal.

In a podcast I listened to recently, the woman openly stated that she felt the purpose of her life is to achieve something great. Something meaningful.

Hmmmm.

Obviously if you're reading this (which no one is), then you know me well enough to know that Jesus is the center of my life. Not achieving things. I want to know God. I want to enjoy him. I want others to know Him too. I want my life to bring Him glory and honor.

So is achievement bad?

Certainly not. I mean seriously, where would we be without anyone achieving anything?! It's almost a dumb question.

I guess maybe I struggle for a couple reasons...

1. I am a SAHM. By all appearances, according to the world... I achieve nothing but keeping 5 other human alive day in and day out. Which I believe is an incredible achievement... worth all of me and all of my time and all of my potential (which I believe, possibly egotistically?, that I have a lot of). However we all know that is a viewpoint that not everyone understands. So I often wonder if I'm doing enough. I mean, I do other things in my community. Lots of other things actually... but still, with my family and home as my first priority... it doesn't score high on the ACHIEVEMENT SCALE (which isn't a real thing. Or is it?). Because of this tension, I often question myself.

2. Achievement is an idol. Plain and simple. "We must produce to be valuable". We must "be someone" if we want to be anyone. "Success is happiness." And those statements are just lies. But they are everywhere around us and I even get sucked in. What do I want to accomplish? Where do I want to be in five years? What are my daily, weekly, monthly, yearly goals?! Blarg.

Okay, admittedly, I've never been a goals person.

Someone challenged me during a conversation on this topic by suggesting this: changing the word 'setting goals' to 'being intentional'.

Oh. Well now you've got me there.

I really had to stop and think.

I DO strongly believe in being intentional. I 'preach' a lot about being intentional about how I want to raise my children and educate them and what sort of home environment I want to cultivate.

Are those my goals? The things I want to be intentional about? Is it the same thing even though I never write them down and check them off? 

********

This is getting rambly. I'm just processing, obviously. 

But here's the thing I have noticed about myself. If I become very goals driven in my daily life, and if those goals are divergent from my main purpose of cultivating my home and my relationships with my children, then my patience very easily DISAPPEARS. 

 

Gone.

I turn into mean-Mama because I-had-a-thing-I-really-wanted-to-get-done-today-and-you-kids-are-here-and-you-keep-NEEDING-ME-and-so-I-can't-accomplish-that-thing-and-now-I-am-grumpy-and-I-want-a-different-life-please-where-kids-only-are-around-at-convenient-times-thankyouverymuch.

So thereby setting goals that conflict with my MAIN PURPOSE, I then throw my MAIN PURPOSE people into the stream of fire, which seriously goes against what I believe about my first and best calling as a Mama as my MAIN PURPOSE!

Self sabotage.

Maybe it's just a season.

Or maybe I just don't have enough patience or self-control or discipline in my own life.

Or maybe it's a life-long no-goal lifestyle.

Who knows.

Do I have dreams for my life and the life of my family? Things I want to be intentional about? Things I am working towards? 

Yes ma'am I do.

There are SO many things I'd like to do.

So many interests I would love to pursue.

But I don't want them to distract me from my central calling. And I don't want them to dictate to me who I am and who I am not.

Peace in my home and joyful relationships with my kids and husband is waaaay up there at the top. I'm not willing to give that up. Not for any goal or dream or interest that I have for myself right now.

Okay wait!! I do have a goal for this year. 

Ready?

2020 Goal: Lay down my life.

That's it. 

Amen.

Preaching to my own heart here.

I like who I am. I like what I'm doing. I don't want to live for myself.

It's just a fight against culture sometimes, that's all.

And all these things are just rolling and rolling and rolling around in my deep-thinking head these days.

I have no conclusion.

You're welcome. That's all.

New Years is For...

New Years is for puzzles.

Mini Zipine

Great fun at the family park today. Zip line! Very fun if you catch the kid before the end. If the kid goes all the way then there might be bumps and blood... (that happened to Hudson, but he’s fine!). Safety standards a bit different here... 😂