What Could Have Been

I gathered my boy H to my side in December just after our surprise arrival back in the U.S. “I have a secret to tell you, okay?”

“Okay Mommy!” he said as he drew closer so I could whisper in his ear.

I held his sweet head in my hands and softly spoke “Mommy has a baby in her belly!”

“Yay yay yay!” He exclaimed! He jumped back excitedly and shrieked… “After you have this one, can you have this [holding up three or four more fingers] many more?”

I laughed. “I don’t know about more babies H, let’s just take it one baby at a time.”

“Okay!” he answered, excitedly skipping off down the stairs with a grin on his face. Later he got to be the one to share the little secret with his Uncle and Aunt.

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That was the day after our surprise arrival to the U.S. and the day we showed up at the grandparent’s homes and workplaces to surprise them one by one. You probably didn’t notice the little gift bag that was included in all the photos. The big kids had on Santa hats and the new baby’s Santa hat was in the bag with a note that said “Baby #3, in time for Christmas next year!”

Once the grandparents got over the shock of seeing us, they opened the bag and had another wonderful surprise to add to the celebration. Another grandbaby! It was a happy day.

Life went on and I was so thrilled that I was finally carrying around a little one again. I was mentally planning the rest of the pregnancy and excitedly dreaming of the the day when we would welcome our little summer baby. We were so happy.

But just as I was expecting the morning sickness to begin, bleeding began instead. The doctor advised us to go the hospital and we did. There was nothing that could be done. We were loosing the baby.

We were devastated.

I had plans to make a tiny little onesie with “Made in India” written on the front. I was all ready to watch my belly grow and to give H what he’s been asking for. I wanted to make Sweet N a mini-Mommy, armed with pacis to jam in lil’ summer baby’s mouth and stuffed animals to hand over for comfort when the little newborn cries started.

The holidays came and went and there wasn’t any sickness as I had expected. There was no more baby. Instead there were nights of crying into my husband’s arms because I thought I was supposed to have been puking by Christmas, but I didn’t feel sick. I was supposed to have a wee one growing inside, but my body wasn’t nurturing that special little life any longer.

If you ask my boy, he’ll tell you that Mommy’s next baby died. His precious big blue eyes welled up with tears when I told him. I explained that the baby is in heaven with Jesus and he understood me, but he looked at me with pleading eyes… “No Mama, I wanted that baby”.

We did too sweetheart, we did too.

I have written letters to each of my children as I learned of my pregnancies. I want them to grow up knowing of the joy and expectation we felt as they began to grow in my womb. Those letters have become the beginning pages of their baby books. Here I’ll post the letter that I wrote to my third baby. I do not want to forget that even though our baby lived a very short time, that his/her little life was cherished.

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Dear Sweet Little One,

We had a premonition that you were with us as we made the journey from our three months in Jordan back home to surprise our families for Christmas. You weren’t making your Mama puke yet so traveling with you was a breeze!

When we surprised our families with our arrival, we surprised them with you too! Your big brother and sister had on Santa hats and we put yours in a gift bag for your grandparents to open: “Baby #3, in time for Christmas next year!", I wrote on the note. Everyone loved it.

We’ve been hoping and praying for you for awhile so we’re thrilled that we’ll soon have you in our arms – to love you and hold you. Oh how you’ll add joy to our lives!

You’ve got a pretty special family to join. Your Daddy is incredible and your brother and sister are so so special! You’re going to be very well loved! H is SO excited that you’re on the way and even though N doesn’t quite understand yet, I am certain she’ll be your little Mama and love taking care of you.

I can’t wait to feel you grow inside me. You are loved so much already.

(A bouquet from my parents we received a couple weeks later… two yellow roses for our children we have in our lives and our arms and a white rose for the child we’ll meet in heaven.)